Raw

There’s nothing literary about how I’m feeling today. No pithy or profound essay nugget to ring from this pain. Tomorrow marks 19 years since my father died, and frankly, I just want to cry. Not the usual–think about him for a moment, feel myself choke up and tear up and then press my eyes to keep the tears at bay because I don’t want to upset the patrons at Wegmans. I don’t want to upset my kids. I don’t want to let this rotten emotion overwhelm me.

Today I want to sob until I can’t breathe right and my head rings. I want to wallow in it. Because it sucks and it hurts that he’s gone and I hate that I don’t have a truly satisfying answer for “where” or “what” he is, that I have this huge father-shaped hole in my life that is absolutely unfillable, and because he’s been gone so long now that I don’t even know who I’m mourning anymore.

***

I’m cooking tomorrow as I always do. But this is the first year in long time that I considered giving myself permission to skip it. I’m exhausted just thinking about it at the moment. But the food is bought, the recipes are chosen and the friends invited. Maybe it will help. Maybe I’ll feel okay in the morning.

Maybe I will.

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4 thoughts on “Raw

  1. bethany says:

    I know that feeling so, so well. There’s nothing like that feeling of grief, and also just wanting to express that grief because you are So.Damn.Sick of keeping it in, of coping as you *should* because hey, everyone loses their parents sometime, right? It feels wrong that it can still hurt, so constantly and so much.

    Thinking of you.

  2. Faulkner says:

    Maybe you should just do take-out! I just told a student that I don’t think we ever get over trauma. We just figure out how to manage moment by moment.

  3. Jo says:

    For what it’s worth, I have cried in the Wegman’s cafe– or sobbed openly, and the patrons were good at pretending they didn’t see me. I can’t think of anything to say that appropriately addresses the enormity of your emotions, but I hope you feel better; I hope you bought food and met friends, and that you feel okay in the morning.

    Sincerely,
    Jo

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